This is a nightmare...
Well, this isn't a very common furry question this time, but I have a huge harassing problem. I have a blog and I decided to make some judgment against intolerance, after some small issues, a horrible drama website decided to post my blog info and made up crap about me, using no real critique, etc., etc. They also make fun of the term "Autism" and now, I feel like I have no power to stop them from doing more crap. They even posted an offensive "ad" on the side saying something about "Autism?" and when clicked on: It goes to my blog. No joke. I think it all started when I posted some slight non-taking-serious graph about some "fandom" based off a reaction that actually happened. Then it all started when this brony a person decided to post more news about my blog in the most crappiest way as possible. But there was another before (and I made a response to it) that compared random stuff to "bestiality" or something. I am very worried about this. I fear so much that an even MORE horrid site will notice this and post even more offensive crap against me. Do you know, if there is ANY legal way to stop them from posting current or future content from my blog? Or perhaps any talk about it? Is there any secrets, or trick to slide through the legal system? I know there is copyright, and even though I hate copyright, I did try to abuse my own will and tried putting notices for it, but they think I "can't" do that. And yet, I have no idea how to file a copyright complaint off to a whole different website. Sadly, the website may not be connected with Google like mine is. The only other thing I could do is try to "ignore" them, but that may stop me of my rights to criticize intolerable crap. I also tried modding my own URLs to avoid being clicked on but that bully keeps on updating the damn link to the new URL. I wrote this kind of fast, but I am in great fear of what will happen the next day! Note: By the time I send this, I may change the URL of the whole blog, mainly to prevent them from linking to them. And make it more hidden. There is ANOTHER problem. They found away to link to a old captor of my blog. No joke! Ever heard of the Wayback Machine? It's a website that captures old websites, and sadly, my blog was at least captured once. If you have any ideas on how to delete the wayback machine problem, you can post that too. Anyway, my blog is a blogger, which is part of Google. Anonymous * * * Hi, Anonymous, This is a complicated but important issue you are bringing up that touches on a lot of issues. Let me try and reply to your letter in a clear and logical manner. I have a very Germanic process on such things, favoring numbered lists for clarity, but a Q&A might work best here. Without even going into the problem that the people who are harassing you are jerks, let’s see what can be done. Q: How can I block websites from linking to my website or blog? A: This touches on the issue of hotlinking, which usually refers to people linking to images on your website without your permission. Disregarding copyright issues, the problem with this practice is that if a lot of people are pulling images directly from your site rather than downloading the images and then reposting them to their pages is that they are using your bandwidth, which can really gum up the works on your site, causing it to slow down or crash if the images are really popular. Hotlinking can also refer to accessing other files, such as css or other program files, and it can refer to accessing the URL itself. There are ways to block specific sites from linking to you, but it can be a little complicated as it involves adding lines of code to your .htaccess file. (cf. http://wiki.dreamhost.com/Preventing_hotlinking and http://www.javascriptkit.com/howto/htaccess10.shtml for more information). Since you are using Google Blogger, I would contact the people at Google and see if they can help and/or post on their forums page to see if you can get advice, as well. Q: Can I have my old site versions excluded from the Wayback Machine? A: Yes. To do so, you need to place a robots.txt file on your site (cf. https://archive.org/about/exclude.php). If you can’t do this because you’re using Google and can’t get access to code, contact the admins at the Internet Archive at info@archive.org and ask for their assistance. Q: How can I prevent people from quoting from my blog or using other information and files on my blog without my permission? A: As with authors of articles, books, etc., when you write something on the Internet and publish it, it is automatically copyrighted. However, it is very difficult to make a case about this without registering your copyright. The folks at LegalZoom advise that in some cases it might be best to register a copyright: “Copyright violation is always illegal, but it can be difficult to prosecute offenders without copyright registration, which establishes a public record of ownership. In addition, owners of registered works may be eligible for statutory damages and attorney's fees in successful litigation against infringers.” Remember, though, that there is a thing called “fair use” rights. Fair use means that people have the legal right to quote a portion of your text (general rule of thumb is no more than about 10% of the text) without your permission if they are doing so for such things as writing a review. Also, satirizing a book, film, or even a website is legal because it is protected under free speech. If this is really irksome for you and is causing you financial damages (which I doubt in your case), you could consult with an attorney to assist you (cf. http://www.whoishostingthis.com/resources/student-copyright/ to learn more about copyright laws and your rights.) While the people who are harassing you sound very unpleasant, and certainly their apparent mocking of sufferers of autism is in very poor taste, they, like you, are entitled to their rights of free speech, even if that speech is very ugly (but not to the point of being a hate crime or Internet bullying). One thing you might try is this: On your website, put a prominent notice about the website that is harassing you, stating that you find their practices hurtful and in poor taste and whatever else you feel like saying (within reason). Have this notice appear on the page to which they are linking from their site so that people can see it easily. When it all comes down to it, if you are confident in what you write about on your website and that it has value to those who read it, then others mocking that content are making themselves look bad more than they are hurting you. Indeed, as my partner, Yogi, says, there's no such thing as bad PR. These people are drawing attention to your site, giving you the opportunity to step up and show everyone who visits you what an awesome blog it really is despite their puerile attempts to make you look silly. I hope this helps! Good luck! Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
I have to say that finding your advice column may prove to be a great boon for me. My current problem is actually several problems compounding into one. I’ll begin with my accident in November; it left me with some nerve damage in my left shoulder and hand as well as a spinal injury. Jumping ahead a couple months, on the night of January 5th, I woke up to find my mother dead on the kitchen floor. Since then it’s just been me left to deal with all of the fallout: I made the arrangements for the wake and funeral without any help from my aunt (her sister). My aunt spent my mother’s wake complaining about me inheriting everything to anyone who would listen. After the funeral my aunt got into my mother’s safe deposit box and pulled everything from it including a copy of her trust. My mother had named my aunt as her successor trustee and set up the trust in such a way so that it could care for me and the house. Now my aunt has been extremely reluctant to work with me and has since hired an attorney for the trust however this attorney is looking out for his and her pocketbooks rather than the trust and my wellbeing. They call me uncooperative when in reality it’s my aunt who is unwilling to cooperate. She says that I’m constantly partying and should instead be looking for work however the extent of me partying comes down to one birthday party thrown for myself and attending Fur Squared. As far as job hunting is concerned there is not much that I’m allowed to do with my current injuries and my doctor has even chewed me out for doing basic house chores (ie: garbage, vacuuming, etc.). Following a call in which the attorney that my aunt had hired decided to yell at and insult me, a few days ago I received a letter from him which was further insulting and unprofessional. Although in that letter he stated that both he and my aunt are getting paid for their services from the trust, this is important because in the trust it very specifically states that an individual trustee cannot take payment for their services. Furthermore in this line of issues the aforementioned attorney has claimed that bills including but not limited to the utilities for the house, food, and insurance are “estate debts” and as such are my sole responsibility and that the trust would not pay for them. However, he also claimed that the mortgage payment and property taxes are issues of the trust and will be paid from it, yet this month my aunt failed to make the mortgage payment. Meanwhile, I’ve got two overdrawn checking accounts and no more food in my attempt to keep my house afloat. I don’t have a support network to lean on aside from people whom offer to “talk if I need to” which is nice but not what I need. I realize that I have forgotten to give my age, I’m 22 years old as of last month and despite my usual ability to be the adult of most situations I find that I am far from equipped to deal with even a quarter of what is now on my plate. Neither my father nor any other relatives are willing to help me in any way and I’m drowning in a sea of confusion, grief and unknowing. I honestly don’t know what to do and don’t know if I can continue to go through this alone but one thing I know for sure is that if this continues the way that it has been I will be homeless before the year is over. I apologize for the massive block of text but I’m not of the mind to attempt to better separate things at the moment. I humbly ask for any advice you can pass on to me in the hopes that it can help. Starving and worried * * * Dear Starving, My condolensces for your loss, hon. At 22, you are of legal age, so you do not need someone else to administer the trust, but I guess that's what your mother did. I would very must like to have a look at the legal documents and see what they say exactly. Because I can’t do that and because I am not an attorney, I would strongly recommend that you seek out legal counsel. Many lawyers will take a case for no advance payment (on contingency) if they feel they can win the case (and there's money in it for them). You definitely need a lawyer on your side. Your aunt is being a conniving so-and-so who is trying to wrest power and whatever money she can from you. Again, you are an adult and it is none of her business what you do with money that is legally yours, especially since she is not your legal guardian or spouse. (Is there some reason your mother made your aunt trustee and not you, the beneficiary?) You need to get a copy of the will and the trust. (I hope you can get those). And find a local attorney. If you don’t know one, ask people you know whom they might recommend. If that doesn’t work, you can try a site like http://www.legalmatch.com/. Go to the Estate section and click on the for Contested Wills and Probate and answer the questions they have there. This will hopefully give you some leads you need. My understanding of the law is that, generally speaking, if there is no will, the spouse of the deceased inherits the estate. You don’t mention your father or other siblings, so if you are the only living child, you would get the estate. If you were deceased, your aunt would probably be next in line, hmmmm. Anyway, it sounds like your mother did leave a will and left you with everything. Your aunt should have absolutely no legal standing in this issue—again, you are not a minor and she has no rights over you. All she has been asked to do is administer the trust. Again, this is a legal matter and I’m no attorney. Get yourself some representation! Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
First, I'm fully aware my grammar sucks, but at least, I have good spelling and thank you for your time :3 For a few months now, I've been thinking and bothered by a robbery that happened to me—or, more like who robbed me. I got back most of stuff (only missing three things), this happened in my home town; it's a small community, so it didn't take too long to find a few people to question, but while I was playing inspector, trying to find who did it, everything I found pointed to very close friend. Me and him were close, we have nicknames for each other (I was Chief and he was Apple). We always walked side-by-side, we know each other’s favorite color, we grew up with each other, we taught each to fight, we shared our money, we even showed each how to get in our homes, took each other to restaurants. We grew up in a bad environment (drugs, alcohol, bullies, etc.). We always told each other that one day, we would leave and find a better home. As we got older, my little brothers were born, which caused me to grow into a guardian-like personality (gay, straight, bi, I don't care, they're my brothers, and I'll protect them). My friend, on the other hand, gave in to the drugs and alcohol, and I never did. We became exact opposites, but our friendship never faded or weakened. So I was very resistant to believe that he was the one to rob me. When I told my dad, who trusted Apple as much as me, of what, I've found, my dad was more than angry. My dad told me to strike Apple for stealing from me, or if I wanted my dad would hurt Apple for me. But I told my dad that I'd handle it. For the next few weeks my stuff would randomly appear by my window, which without a doubt confirmed it was Apple who stole from me (years ago, I told him, if he had anything for me, but I wasn't home, to just leave it by my window). I tried to confront him, but I could never find him, till one day another friend of ours got Apple to see me while I was doing yard work for my dad. We talked, and apparently Apple was drugged by his older brother (who was recently in jail) and tricked into robbing me. When the drugs started to wear off, and realized who he robbed, slowly he stole my stuff from his brother to return to me. He didn't want to see me till all my stuff was returned. I told Apple that I'm very grateful that he was bringing back my stuff, but he should have told me. We could have gotten everything back together. He said he didn't want to get his brother in trouble (who's back in jail for stealing). This is the only thing he has ever done wrong toward me. If I asked anyone else in real life they'd tell me to just hit him and carry on without him, I'm not sure, if I should forgive him and act like this never happened, or forget our friendship and continue my life without him? what would you do? Hale (age 19, Alberta) * * * Dear Hale, Some people say that you should always forgive someone and turn the other cheek, no matter what. My philosophy is to take it on a case-by-case basis. There are certain parameters I use to decide whether or not to forgive someone, including:
A bad example of this comes from my husbear’s past. Yogi had a partner who was a crackhead. He started stealing and selling Yogi’s possessions to buy more drugs (fails test #1). Eventually, Yogi kicked him out of the house. Years later, this guy contacted Yogi again, asking to be friends again. He never apologized (fails test #4), nor did he offer to make financial amends for the thousands of dollars’ worth of stuff he took (fails #3). I imagine he failed #2 as well, since he was not high at the time he stole stuff because he was stealing in order to get high again. Yogi, basically, told him to piss off, and I agree with that decision. (Apple’s brother is likely stealing to pay for drugs, just as Yogi’s former mate was). In your case, the answer to all the above questions is “yes.” This was the only time Apple stole from you; his mind was clouded by drugs; he returned the stolen items; and he apologized (correct?) I think we can both understand his behavior, and I believe the cause of it all is his brother. The solution offered by your father and some friends (to hit him and move on) is both unconstructive and ape-like in its lack of intelligence and compassion. Hale, you should forgive Apple (at least for now), but that should not be the end of this story. Apple needs help. Now that you have forgiven him (or I hope you will), the next step is to be a true friend. You need to get Apple away from the bad influence of his brother, first and foremost. You also need to save him from a life of drugs and alcohol before he ends up like his brother. The theft he perpetrated is an alarm, a call to action that his problem is becoming worse. To start, check out Alberta Health Services, or also Addiction Enders in Alberta, and see what you can do to find a rehab program for Apple. It is time to be a real friend, Hale. Your friend needs you. His stealing from you should not be taken as a personal offense so much as a cry for help. You should help him while he is still your friend (which he showed by his behavior) because if you wait too long the drugs and alcohol will eventually rot his brain and change who he is. At that point, you are at risk of losing the person Apple really is forever. And that would be tragic. I wish both of you luck. Please write again if you need further help. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hi. I have a problem with my boyfriend ... or ex-boyfriend ... or what ever I can call him due to legal reasons. I'm sure you are confused by "legal reasons." You see he currently turned 18, and I am 14. When my mum and dad saw that I was in a conversation with him they flipped and scared him into no longer talking to me. He tells me that it's because of the law and that he would if he could. I just want to help him in any way at all but cant. Do you think you can give me any advice? From, a saddened, little fox * * * Dear Little Fox, Well, there are legal issues about this situation—something called the “age of consent.” The age of consent is a legal term meaning there is a certain age that, if you are below that age and someone has sex with you, it is considered a crime, often punishable by imprisonment. You wouldn’t be imprisoned, but the older guy could be. Most states have a legal age of 18. There are a few where it is 17 or 16, but you, being 14, would fall below legal age in all 50 states. Furthermore, even if, say, you were 17 in a state that defined age of consent as 16, you could get in trouble with federal law, which says it is 18. This means that if you and he were in separate states and communicated sexual messages (photos or text with sexual content), it could be considered illegal. What is even MORE complicated is that even if you were both in the same state and that state allowed the age of consent to be 16, but the server which helped to transmit an email or other electronic message was in another state, that would be considered interstate activity and, again, there would be trouble with the feds. Lastly, it is a federal crime for an adult to take a minor to another state in order to have sex with him or her. For you, though, it is less complicated because you are definitely under legal age anywhere in the United States. So, your parents are right about the legal complications. I would suspect, though, that their concerns aren’t just about legalities, but more about the fact that you are really too young to have a boyfriend who is 18 or older. You might think, hey, it’s only 4 years, but the difference between a 14 year old and an 18 year old is quite profound when it comes to both sexuality and maturity. These are the years when those things are developing, and you really have quite a way to go before you are considered an adult (this is very different from, say, a 20 year old having a relationship with a 24 year old). Now, you might protest that you weren't thinking about sex in your case, but, honestly, any relationship that is on a level above mere friendship is bound to, sooner or later, have a sexual component, even if it doesn't involve rounding all the bases and heading for home plate. Little Fox, I know our modern American society is pushing you to be an adult already, and also pressuring you to have sex, but Papabear says you have plenty of time for all that. Enjoy being 14 and hang out with people your own age for a while longer. The same advice goes to your would-be boyfriend, who should really be looking for clothes that fit in the age-appropriate section of the department store. Hon, please take Papabear’s advice. It might not seem like it, but sometimes your parents do give you wise advice, and in this case I would agree with them. Hugs, Papabear Should He Intervene in His Relatives' Problems with Alcoholism, Violence, and Mental Illness?10/24/2013 Hello, PapaBear,
My 34 year old cousin has a drinking problem. His mother (another cousin of mine) came to me and my grandmother yesterday morning, crying because he got on her nerves about asking her for beer while she was sleeping, getting ready to go to work early in the morning. He's been doing this for many years. He's 34 and he does have a mental problem and he has hit her and her car with a chair and she's done nothing about it. He's been spoiled since he was a kid, and right now he lives with his mom, his younger 12 year old brother, and another relative of mine in the same house. When she came to us crying that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me, and I want to give her sage advice on how to solve this problem and talk to him in a calm manner and try to reason with him, persuading him to go to rehab or such. I fear if I don't do something it might get worse. If I do this (giving sage advice to his mom and try to reason with my 34 year old cousin), would I make the situation better or should I stay out of it? (For I will make it a lot worse than it is.) I forgot to add the advice I wanted to give to my cousin's mother: "Have no beer or any alcoholic beverages inside the house. Make him drink Snapple, Apple juice, Kool-Aid, Milk, water and other non-alcoholic drinks. While he's in your house, he needs to go to rehab, he needs to work, contribute to the household. If he wants beer, he needs to get his own place and work for it while he's in his own place. If he does get rowdy, because you didn't pick him up some beer and cigarettes, call the police and have him arrested and put him in jail because I doubt that there will be beer in jail, or kick him out and let him move into a homeless shelter. If you feel threatened, come to my grandmother's house." Again, I fear that if I don't take action, my little cousin, his mom, and my other relative that lives with the 34 y/o cousin will potentially get hurt or worse because of his drinking problems and his unpredictable behavior. I'm worried that if he asks his mom for beer early in the morning while she's asleep, she might not have enough sleep and she will get into a car wreck because of that while she's on her way to work or lose her job. She pretty much supports them (the 34 y/o cousin, my little cousin and my other relative, who also has a mental illness). Patch * * * Hi, Patch, There are four problems here: your cousin’s drinking problem, his mental illness, his mother’s refusal to do anything about it, and the potential danger not only to his mother but also to the other children in the household and to your 34-year-old cousin himself. I don’t know what the nature of the mental illness is, since you don’t specify, but apparently it is not so severe that he cannot work. Still, whether it is autism or depression or something else, it needs to be treated, not only for its own sake, but also because it likely is exacerbating his alcoholism in one way or another. You don’t say whether or not he or your other relative with a mental disorder is receiving treatment, but that is one of the first things that should be taken care of if at all possible. His mother is what is called an enabler. These are people who are in denial about the problem, or don’t want to confront it, or won’t accept the severity of the problem (“Oh, it’s not so bad”), or even blame themselves for the problem. All these things make it easier for the 34 year old to keep doing what he is doing. Now within this troubled family you want to step in and give such as advice as: deny him alcohol, make him get a job, make him go to rehab, and call the police if he gets physical again. These are all things that I’m sure everyone reading this would agree are good ideas. However, the problem is that if you tell this to his mother or, worse, to him, you will only receive anger and defensiveness in response. There are two reasons for this: 1) these problems didn’t spring up overnight and are the result of much deeper problems within the individuals and the family, so it is these problems that need to be sorted out and addressed in order to resolve the resulting symptoms, and 2) marching into a dysfunctional situation like this with “sage advice” makes you come off as a know-it-all, and the immediate reaction will be on the order of “Who do you think you are to be interfering in matters that don’t concern you?” This might mean that not only will your efforts produce no results but you stand the risk of them cutting you out of their lives completely. Ideally, your cousin and his mother should both be seeing a therapist, and your cousin should go to an alcohol-abuse treatment program such as AA. Getting them there against their own will would be very problematic, however. My first advice to you, then, would be to contact the Adult Protective Services program at your state’s Department of Social Services office. I would call them, perhaps make an appointment, and visit the office and express your concerns, asking them for their professional advice. APS usually focuses on seniors who need help, but they also help with adults who are dependent on their family, which your cousin certainly is. They can recommend the best steps for you to take and whom to contact in your area for help in terms of alcohol and mental illness treatment programs. They can also help you with any financial assistance programs that might be available to your cousins. Next, go to your local police department, not with an official complaint or report, but give them the information about what is going on, what the address is, etc., and tell them your concerns about a serious domestic violence potential and that you will be contacting them if you see trouble. They will appreciate the heads up. Okay, now you are armed with information and you have alerted law enforcement and social services. What now? What now is what is sometimes called “seeding.” Seeding is when you talk to the people in trouble and implant information into their heads without accusing them or confronting them angrily or “sagely.” You are being non-confrontational. Let the mother know that you are keeping an eye on them because you care about them. Express your concern for your 12-year-old cousin and other relative who live in the house and that you are upset about your older cousin’s tendency to anger and be violent. Let her know that if there is any trouble, the mother can come to your grandmother’s house (that was one good thing you said that was right on target.) Mention things to her that you have been reading stuff about enabling and that you are concerned she could be an enabler. Express your concern that the man’s tendency to wake her up early in the morning for beer is making her exhausted and that you are worried about her driving tired and the effects on her job. Things you do not want to do is anything that makes this enabling situation easier for them, such as babysitting, doing chores around the house, offering rides to work, buying your cousin booze (I know you certainly wouldn’t do that), and so on. You want to help her realize that this is a bad thing and that pretending that it isn’t will only make matters worse. Don’t do so in a lecturing, sager-than-thou way, but do it in a loving, caring way. If you see an opening where it looks like the truth is beginning to dawn on her, pass along some of the information that Social Services will no doubt give you. Since you are not part of the direct family, you are not going to be able to drag them into therapy or call for an intervention no matter how correct you are that they need it. This softer approach of seeding is a better tactic for you in this case. I’m is proud of you for caring about others. Hugs, Papabear [Papabear notes: This is the first time I have done this, but a recent comment on one of the letters in this column was so well-thought-out and well-written, and it touches on such an important subject for furries, that I am making it today's feature letter.]
Dear PapaBear I'm silently following your site since, I believe a couple years, and even considered writing to you once on my behalf and once on one of my friend's, thought, never got to it in the end. Although, I always find your stance and well thought answers to be heart warming and enlightening. Today, I hope you won't be too bothered by the fact that I'm not entirely agreeing with your own point of view, even if the subject doesn't directly concern me, I did asked myself those questions before, and would like to share my own thoughts. First, I want to point that I'm in fact not at all into babyfurs and that the arts falling in this category totally irks me. I never really thought deeply about the right or wrong of this subject before a big pro-con babyfur/cubporn bloodwar exploded on one very well known site of our community. And as the great separation took place and raged everywhere around me, I actually took the time to read and think about a lot of arguments between the protagonists. In the end, and to save time, I do believe our community is stigmatizing a minority within a minority. If you take a step back, Yes, child abuse IS extremely wrong. I'm all against child abuse, and I do believe it should be severely punished, but here, we're talking about either art depicting those, or people pretending it to happen during their sexual intercourses or role play, when it really involve two consenting adults. If we assume this shouldn't be depicted, written or talked about, then the same should go with rape, murder, gore and stuff like that. As horrible as child abuse can be, I don't feel like being raped in a dark cave, then having one's throat slit open and left to die in a dark alley is excusable as well in real life. This is not a less horrible situation, and yet, it is one which our community seems to sit with much better. None of those appeal to me, but to compare to a subject I know a bit better, I am myself turned on by hypnosis and mind control. Both the playful and more aggressive and dark one. Most people wouldn't blink an eye at my fantasies, but if we go back to real life, how twisted can it become, to have someone sensory deprived, conditioned and reinforced until he/she's just a mindless slave ? Suddenly, my fantasy isn't that fun anymore. Now, I see in the end of your answer, and just like many others, you explain how child abuse is horrible in real life, and really, it is. But, unless mistaken, I believe we where talking about the imaginary part of this, be it playful, or indeed, quite naughty. To me, in this debate, almost each time it appears anywhere, we're entirely missing the point, and are associating each person getting turned on by this with a real life pedophile. Which would make any people getting off on gore a real time murderer, every feral fan a real time zoophile, and so on. It would make me a real life criminal as well. The way I see things, we don't chose what arouses us, and depending on too many factors for us to even keep track or realize, we end up with the qualities and quirks and well, kinks we have. To me, the real question, the heart of the problem is how responsible we are. Keeping our fantasies separate from the real life, you can't punish someone for being aroused by animals, rape, murder, violence, blood, sickness or children, as disgusted as you can be at the idea. But we, humans or fur in heart are not creature entirely made of black or white. What matters for real is being able to keep ourselves in check. Judging or banning those only fantasizing about it, well, that will not prevent some of those having this interest to one day commit the irreparable, because yes, that will happen, just like some fantasizing about rape or murder will one day act on those. Or some having the same interest as me ending up using alcohol or drugs to rip a non existing consent to a weakened victim. And that's what matters in the end. I actually believe being able to talk about it and share might even give some of the weaker ones the steam off needed to never fall that low. Some form of catharsis if you see what I mean. Anyway, this was a terribly long response, and I apologize for taking the time to comment here only to state a different opinion, but this is a subject I got plenty of time and occasion to think about and I felt it was relevant to be shared. thanks for those managing to read all of this, and my sincere salutations to you, papa bear! Howard * * * My Dear Howard, Thank you so much for your letter. First of all, it reinforces my policy that welcomes dissent on this website. People who write in countering something I’ve said provoke lively and thoughtful debate, which is useful for everyone concerned, including readers of this column and yours truly. Let’s just start by saying that, even if you might not think so, I agree with everything you have said in your letter. I think you might have misunderstood me somewhat—or, perhaps, I didn’t make myself clear—thinking that I believe babyfurs are all mentally troubled somehow. I did note that, for the most part, babyfurs enjoy the innocence of depictions of very young furs in art, and I could also understand how some adults would find wearing diapers a kind of psychologically and emotionally comforting practice. Then I also noted, however, that some people who are into this do have a serious problem that can only be called pedophilia and that pedophilia is wrong—to which you agreed. In your argument, you say that there are furries (and people in general) who find depictions of young children having sex with each other or being sexually molested by adults to be cathartic, releasing their own desires so that they do not commit these acts in real life. I think the jury is still out on that one. In my opinion, that can go one of two ways: either the way you say, in which it calms the person with such desires; or, just the opposite, it feeds their lust and they begin to become dissatisfied with just watching these things online and want it in real life. We have to be very careful here, as the human mind is an unpredictable thing. Furthermore, you note that if X-rated babyfur art should be considered bad, then so should depictions of rape, murder, etc. I agree, mostly. These are all the same kind of pornography. People find such images stimulating or cathartic for various psychological and emotional reasons too lengthy to go into great detail here because each case is different. Briefly, though, some people might get off on violent scenes because they have anger issues, but sometimes it might be for the same reason that people enjoy horror films—the adrenaline rush combined with the knowledge that one is safe and sound. As for fantasies of being raped or hypnotized or being made a slave, these fantasies have to do with control issues. Specifically, people who are stressed and burdened with the chores and responsibilities of everyday life fantasize about giving up all control, including body and mind, to someone else. This can, in fact, be quite therapeutic. But what we are getting into here is a very core issue that is extremely relevant in our digital and virtual reality modern life: how do we separate fantasy from reality? Or, even, should we separate them? One should avoid the potential trap here of the reductio ad absurdum that the oh-so-ridiculous Pat Robertson committed when he recently asserted that videogamers who shoot and kill characters in a game are literally guilty of murder (see http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/08/07/pat-robertson-murder-committed-in-video-games-is-no-different-than-real-life-murder/). That’s just imbecilic. Similarly, furries who fantasize about acts that would be considered sex crimes if they were committed in real life are not actually guilty of a crime. Papabear has participated in things in role play and such that I would never, ever do in real life. (And, as I noted in the original letter, the law says that artistic depictions of such acts—in other words, not showing real people—is not a crime). It all comes down to who the person is tapping away at the keyboard and gripping the mouse. Are they emotionally and psychologically stable, or are they a bit off-kilter, vulnerable to the stimulations they see on the computer screen? As you said, “To me, the real question, the heart of the problem is how responsible we are.” Well put. This is something we all need to be aware of. The people who should be responsible are not only the ones viewing the art but also the ones creating it. I’m not saying we should ban or censor babyfur art (I am completely against censoring the arts), but we should be cognizant of the potential effects of what we do, just as with everything else in life. We do not operate in isolation. Everything we do has the potential to affect other people in either positive or negative ways. We should all keep that in mind. Perhaps that is the main lesson here for all my readers. Thanks again, Howard! Papabear Dear, Papa Bear.
I have been having this mental conundrum for quite some time and generally it began like half way into my 16 years of being a furry. I am not writing this to bash any one or to shame a group but I just want to have a bit more of an understanding of things as a whole. Now I am a part of several groups on my G+ and my interest is very wide I feel a connection to "most" things that exist in our community but the thing that confuses the hell out of me is the part in the baby fur community where some stuff likes okay but other things I've seen generally rustle my jimmies to the point of nose bleeds. Again, not bashing any one, I am apart of several abdl furry communities and some of my best friends are, too. However, a while back there was a set of pictures depicting humans, presumably baby furs, doing naughty things as children. Yes, I know they aren't real children. Yes, it’s just art. Yes it’s not real. But at what point do you draw the line in what is okay and what makes you feel like a pedophile just looking at it. I've had this debate several times and it just does not end with a proper answer. I like cute and cuddly art and I've even been known to wear padding once every other full moon, so I am not saying baby furs are bad. I just want to know where that stupid line is that shit should be called pedophilic or not! Please, Papa. . . Help! Random Background Pony * * * Hi, Random, That’s a very good question. To me, there are two kinds of babyfurs: the ones who just like to wear diapers and pretend they're infants and like innocent pictures of infant furries doing G-rated things, and then there are the ones who sexualize innocent children, and that, to my mind, is wrong. The reason it is wrong is that sex should be between two consenting people, and when one is a sexually immature child who doesn’t even understand what sex is and is at the mercy of the power of an adult, that child is not consenting, and taking advantage of that is rape, pure and simple. Displaying images of infants doing sexual things stimulates and encourages this lust for rape, and so that, too, is wrong. I looked up California code on child porn laws, and found this passage: Even though it may depict children engaged in sexually explicit activities, there are some types of "content" that are excluded from child pornography prosecutions. Possessing "pornographic" images of minors in drawings, figurines, statues or in films that have been rated by the Motion Picture Association of America are exempt from California child pornography laws. So, I’m not actually sure if illustrations of children or babyfurs would be against the law under that definition, but it seems that it isn't, at least in my home state. If it were, there would be a lot of furries being arrested right now. The law seems mostly concerned with photos and film of real children being exploited for sex, not in illustrations. I have no issue with someone who likes to wear a diaper, even if he or she is not incontinent. I think some people do that because they have a very strong desire to return to that innocent past that they have either lost or that was denied them in the first place, so they find diapers comforting. Also, many people just find drawings of little infants to be adorable; nothing wrong with that. There is, indeed, a charm about young life. If you have been reading my column for very long, you know Papabear is extremely tolerant of unconventional behavior. I have written on everything from zoophilia to polyamorous relationships and even incest. Being a gay man and knowing that most of society disapproves of my behavior, I feel I should be open-minded about other people’s behavior, too, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and that no one is getting hurt. But when someone exploits a child sexually, the psychological scars are impossible to recover from fully. Drawing pictures of such exploitation, therefore, in my mind, is actually worse than pornography—it’s disturbing. I would recommend that people who get off on this type of art seek some counseling, because there is definitely something not right with their heads. In today’s society, children are allowed precious little innocence as it is. Let’s please not expose them to the idea of sex until they have reached puberty. Childhood should be a time of innocence and wonder and discovery. They’ll learn about sex more than soon enough. Papabear Hello Papa Bear:
My fursona says it all, I consider myself a polar bear and I've been a furry for two years more or less, the reason of why I'm asking for your advice is because I have a little problem, so I'll start by the beginning: I live with my aunt in Seattle, my parents works a lot and (almost) the only times I can see them is on weekends, so she has been there for me whenever I needed some help and advice. I'm an art student and love it. Recently we've been having this... how can I say it... we feel this sexual attraction for each other; I know this is wrong and can't be possible but that's it. This attraction is so strong that ended into sexual intercourse more than once; honestly, I don't know how it happened, I guess you can say that “only happened.” Of course, I haven't told my parents about it because surely they will freak out and probably might want me to stay away from my aunt but I just can't help it and love her in the romantic way more than in the familiar way. Maybe this is the first time someone asks you about advice about cases of incest, I've been dealing with this for more than 4 months and this love for my aunt is not leaving me. I've been having these guilty/satisfaction feelings when I'm with her, there are sometimes when we even go out as a couple but then I realize that I'm dating my aunt and minutes later I just don't care. Can you help me with this? I mean, I need some advice, when it is normal? is it common? With love, Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous, Although of course you are going to have a big problem with your family about this if they ever find out, you have a bigger problem. Incest is illegal in most states in the USA, including where you live, Washington state. The penalty for incest, which includes intercourse with a parent, sibling, one of your children, a grandparent, a niece or nephew, and, yes, an aunt or an uncle, is 14 years in Washington. Be glad you don’t live in North or South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, or Florida, where you can get life in prison (interestingly, my former home state of Michigan has no problem with incest [no legal code against it, anyway]—somehow that’s not surprising to me given some of the residents I’ve seen there). So, forgetting the morality of it, you should stop this relationship now. Your aunt is also criminally guilty and needs to be informed of this and start acting like an adult instead of having sex with her 19 year old nephew. I’m not really going to get into the morality of this. I don’t really have to because the legalities of it should be enough incentive, I hope, for you to stop. As well as the fact of how this relationship would really create havoc within your family should it be discovered. And, trust me, it WILL be discovered if you let it continue long enough. I would also recommend that both of you get some counseling. No, this behavior is not normal and it is not common, though it does happen. I think you are letting your hormones run away with you and control your actions; your aunt should be ashamed of herself for participating with you and encouraging you. I hope the fact that you could both go to prison will be enough to get you to stop. Finally, I recommend that you change your living situation as soon as possible. I hope you will listen to my advice. Good luck. Papabear Okay, so I live in California and I have been researching lately on the matter of audio recording people without their consent through a phone. Now many people online are mostly concerned about recording other people without their consent for matters of taking to court or use against them in the future. I really don't care to record people for this purpose. Now, I want to record my typical conversations during the day with people I have in different matters, such as meeting up with a friend I haven't seen for a while and chatting up, reminiscing about past time, crack jokes and just have a good friendly conversation. Now the reason I want to record such incidents will just be for myself to rehear later on in the future and smile at the conversation we had, that if not recorded could have just been lost to time and just a distant memory. Technology allows us to treasure such occasions.
Now the question is and I know the obvious response would be just get the consent of the other person, though would I have to do it every time, since California has the two party consent law. I really would just like to go in the conversation naturally as the moment is and just talk freely as friends, but without having to say every time "Hey I want to record this conversation cause I want to rehear it latter on, is it okay with you." or when I meet a new girl and I feel that the conversation will be of good remembrance to either reflect on the point were she found me annoying and lost the chance to make a good impression or if I made a great impression from the start, to be able to later on, if we hit it off good and we start dating, just hear back on our first conversation. Now telling someone you just met, "Hey, I’m gonna record this" will surely throw off the person. Now my intentions won't ever be to use the recording against that person. But just for me to reflect on myself in a deeper sense, thanks to technology, that if not it would have just been lost to my memory, which is really not that good in point where things seems so natural in the sense. Thank You. -Freddie * * * Hi, Freddie, Your letter reminds me of a related column Papabear wrote about videotaping people in public (http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/10/is-it-legal-to-record-someone-in-public-without-permission.html). I’m glad you wrote me, because recording a phone conversation is different. Federal law says that you may record a telephone conversation as long as at least one party in the conversation consents to being recorded. The one party can be you, or, if you are not actually participating, someone that you inform that they are being recorded and they consent to that. This is called “one-party consent.” However, individual states also have their own laws, as you are apparently cognizant of. Some go by the one-party law, but others, including California, where you and I live, require that all parties being recorded know that they are being recorded. Although this is called “two-party consent,” it applies to all people participating in the conversation, so it applies to conference calls with lots of participants, for instance. (Read more here: http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations). Now, if you make a recording in a state where the one-party system is allowed, and the other person also lives in your state or another state where it is allowed, then you do not have to inform the other person. BUT, if you and/or the other party lives in a two-party consent state, then all parties must be informed. This is why it’s easier just to cover your bases and tell everyone on the phone that you are recording the conversation. And you really should do this at the beginning of the phone call so that there are no surprises and no potential for misunderstanding, legal or otherwise. It’s a nice thought to record conversations with loved ones so that you may treasure them later, especially when it is during an important event such as a birthday or anniversary. I understand your concern that introducing the conversation with “Oh, by the way, I’m recording this, if that’s okay with you,” might put a damper on spontaneity, but it is still the wisest thing to do. Hope that helps, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
As my pseudonym implies, everyone in my so-called “home” kept saying to me that I'm one of those "cursed beings," being different from the normal standards they consider. Oh, I'm a nine-tailed fox if you're wondering. The parents told their children not to go near me and the other folks are giving one hell of a life.... I thought to myself that my existence was a mistake, a fallacy, that I shouldn't be here in the first place. I considered suicide but deep inside me told me to shove the idea off. I have this special "gift" and even I used it to help they still consider it worthless and push me off. It all started in pre-school where I'd sit in the corner while the other children play with the other normal kids. Occasionally they'd throw the Lego blocks at me. Elementary got bad. As during free time they'd throw a rant on me on how 'not normal' I was and mythical creatures like don't exist. High school got worse. I got into a male-exclusive school and knowing how boys like me go... let's just say they'd do rough-housing on my and used me as tackle practice. Right now... college, then again male-exclusive but things seem to calm a bit. I got a friend who is normal that actually understands my disposition. But I have the feeling his other friends would influence him to knock me senseless. Plus I got a crush on him... I never told anyone and I hide it pretty good. I don't want to ruin his and my reputation so I recently decided to avoid him and break all contact, luckily his dorm is on the other building. I heard that he was worried about me for not answering his calls or replying his texts, that melt my heart but still I decided to keep BIG distances, it's for his own good, I think. Speaking of the dorm, it is the worse nightmare EVER! Anyone would come in my room start trouble for nothing. If they find out I'm gay they'd beat me into a bloody pulp. Luckily the teachers' (all males) dorm was just next door and heard the mess one night. They barged in heroically and reprimand the trouble makers. Then they asked me to move into their place so that they can take care of me. That's sweet. But deep down I still feel empty. So Papa Bear... is it really THAT bad to be THIS different? Sorry if I wasted most of your precious time. Signed, "The one who is not suppose to exist," CursedFoxy * * * My Dear CursedFoxy, Normal people are boring. Normal people are sheep following the crowd, doing whatever everyone else does because that is what is accepted and expected. Normal people never stretch beyond the confines of the box. Normal people have no imagination. Normal people never achieve their full potential or come to realize their true selves. Normal people are about as interesting as dried toast. You are lucky to be you. You are truly unique and are anything but normal. Therefore, Papabear says you should consider yourself blessed, not cursed. When the norms attack you, either with words or with violence, it is because they are afraid of all things that are not like them. That is because people who are not like them—physically, intellectually, or spiritually—challenge their concepts of good and bad, right and wrong, healthy and unhealthy, moral and immoral. When those concepts are challenged, then they have to think about whether their OWN concepts are correct or not, and norms do not like to think. It hurts their brains. Three things you need to bear in mind, Foxy: 1) you have rights, including the right not to be abused, which is protected by law; you have the right to contact authorities if you are assaulted, and I hope you will do so if it happens again; 2) you have the right to defend yourself if someone attacks you, including punching them back and, if necessary, even killing them if they try to kill you. Not that I hope it ever happens like that, but it would not be a bad thing to learn some self-defense skills. And 3) YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST. Indeed, I feel that it is fortunate that you and others who, like you, are not norms, exist. You are the windows to possibilities beyond the norm. This is one reason Papabear is a Furry and loves all people and things Furry, and it is also why I get my grrr on when Furries show norm-ish behavior when they reject, say, Otherkin or Bronies. A true furry considers such prejudices beneath the spirit of Furry. Foxy, Papabear has a task for you. It is an easy task, it might seem, on one paw, but on the other paw, it could be a challenge for you. It is this: change your name from CursedFoxy to BlessedFoxy. Would you do that for Papabear? Please do. It sounds silly, but if you do this it could change your entire outlook on life and on yourself. You are BlessedFoxy, and don’t even know it. Papabear P.S. That guy who likes you? Contact him, please. You should not toss away love so lightly. It is a rare thing. Learn to love yourself and it will be easier to accept other people's love in return. |
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